{"id":262,"date":"2008-11-16T16:16:50","date_gmt":"2008-11-16T16:16:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/comedykings.co.uk\/wordpress\/index.php\/today-with-des-and-mel\/"},"modified":"2023-10-09T19:36:47","modified_gmt":"2023-10-09T18:36:47","slug":"today-with-des-and-mel","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/comedykings.co.uk\/index.php\/today-with-des-and-mel\/","title":{"rendered":"Today with Des and Mel"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

Aired 16th February 2005, ITV1. Cannon and Ball were guests on the show.<\/p>\n

\n

\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Des: Now last time they were on the show, our next guests, well, I don\u2019t think that we got to ask a question did we?<\/p>\n

Mel: I don’t think we did<\/p>\n

Des: Two things we said. We’ll ask them this, and maybe ask them this, because you know, it’s not all that strict, right? All we can remember is there was a lot of fun and madness going on. We’re delighted to see them back on TV. Please welcome Tommy and Bobby, Cannon and Ball<\/p>\n

(Welcomes and greetings \u2013 Bobby chases Mel)<\/p>\n

Tommy: Calm, calm yourself. Bob, Bob, Bob\u2026 Sorry Des\u2026 Calm down, calm down. Get over here and sit down. Calm yourself.<\/p>\n

Des: You\u2019re fond of this lady, aren\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: I can’t tell you.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What’s that smell? What’s that smell?<\/p>\n

Bobby: (Raising arms) It’s me. I’m nervous because\u2026<\/p>\n

Mel: Oh save me<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’m not being funny, Desmond, but Melody.<\/p>\n

Mel: No, no, it’s Melanie.<\/p>\n

Bobby: That’s what I said. Melody, you’re absolutely beautiful, you know that.<\/p>\n

Mel: Thank you. Thank you. Please don’t do this.<\/p>\n

Bobby: No, I’m serious. And the more I see you. I just hear violins all the time. And when I watch on television, without him (gestures at Des). And it’s a close-up of you. The television just, it goes into slow motion.<\/p>\n

Tommy: That’s cause his telly\u2019s broke.
\n<\/p>\n

Bobby: Shut it, Thomas, shut it. Can I say this before you do. I’m serious about this. (To Des) You do have a look of Cary Grant.<\/p>\n

Mel: He does.<\/p>\n

Tommy: What do you mean, Cary Grant’s dead.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I know\u2026 Sorry Des, no, sorry Des, sorry. (To the audience) Who’s got a better tan? Me or Des?<\/p>\n

Des: Where\u2019ve you been? Look at the colour of you.<\/p>\n

Tommy: I know, look at him<\/p>\n

Bobby: Look at me.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Tell him where you’ve been, Scunthorpe.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I haven\u2019t been to Scunthorpe<\/p>\n

Des: Where have you been? You been somewhere wonderful.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I fell asleep in me greenhouse.<\/p>\n

Tommy: He did, he did.<\/p>\n

Des: So you like to propagate, do you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Pardon.<\/p>\n

Des: You can propagate.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Not as much as you, Des. By the way, Des, any more babies on the scene.<\/p>\n

Des: Well, I’m into belly dancing at the moment<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve heard that. Anyway\u2026<\/p>\n

Tommy: Anyway, what\u2019s this, come on<\/p>\n

Bobby: This, well actually, this is very important to me because I’ve got a Valentine sent me\u2026<\/p>\n

Tommy: Have you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: \u2026and I know who it’s from. Don\u2019t I, Melanie
\n<\/p>\n

Tommy: Would you like to read it?<\/p>\n

Mel: What are you looking at me for?<\/p>\n

Bobby: You know. She knows, Des.<\/p>\n

Tommy: (As Bobby puts glasses on) Oh he\u2019s getting sophisticated now.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Shut. Shut it. Tommy, this means something<\/p>\n

Tommy: Sorry, mate. Sorry.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve had this sent me. And thank you.<\/p>\n

Mel: It wasn’t me.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Melody, the press won’t find out<\/p>\n

Des: Enjoy the moment. It’s a magic moment.<\/p>\n

Bobby: To me, you’re not a piece of heaven that fell and landed on the ground. To me you’re not a Gucci handbag that’s been left in the lost and found. (crying) I won\u2019t be a minute. To me, you’re not a day at the funfair, or a ride down the helter skelter. You’ll always be the one and only, Bobby, my little belter.<\/p>\n

Des: So that was sent to you.<\/p>\n

Bobby: From a secret admirer who has just had a baby.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Des, I can’t believe it. You sent him a Valentine, you sent him a Valentine.<\/p>\n

Des: We’ll be back after the break with more from Cannon and Ball. Do not go anywhere.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Was it you?<\/p>\n

Tommy: It were you.<\/p>\n

(Break)<\/p>\n

Des: You should have been here during the break.<\/p>\n

Mel: We\u2019re talking here with Cannon and Ball, and you know early on in the show we showed this picture, this guy thinks he looks like you and I just wanted to know if you’d have a look and let me know.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Des: I wanna see what they think first. What do you think? (To Bobby) Look this way. Look this way.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Yeah. Yeah<\/p>\n

Des: (To Bobby) Do you want to see it? They haven’t seen it have they.<\/p>\n

Bobby: You’re having a laugh aren\u2019t you. I’m better looking than that, Tommy. Come on.<\/p>\n

Tommy: No, no, it’s a good likeness that.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’m not having that look<\/p>\n

Tommy: Teeth are a bit not right but<\/p>\n

Bobby: You know who that looks like? Des when he’s had a bad night.<\/p>\n

Des: So you’ve been in Panto?<\/p>\n

Tommy: Yeah, in panto<\/p>\n

Bobby: Yeah, panto and everything. How\u2019re you going on choking your chicken?<\/p>\n

\"\"
\n(Des gets chicken out)<\/p>\n

Tommy: Go on, give it one more choke. Go on.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Des, can I choke the chicken\u2026. It\u2019s done<\/p>\n

Des: It doesn’t choke easily this one.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I\u2019ve heard that<\/p>\n

o, no, no, forget it.<\/p>\n

Mel: Are you two always this daft, honestly? 24\/7?<\/p>\n

Tommy: Yes. No, not really.<\/p>\n

Bobby: No, no. And I’ll tell you what. As you get older, I’ve just head butted that chicken. I’ve really hurt my head.<\/p>\n

Mel: I can see that, it\u2019s gone all red.<\/p>\n

Des: It\u2019s gone all red, your heads gone red<\/p>\n

Des: How are you with money? Is he good with sums and things like that?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Me? Very clever.<\/p>\n

Tommy: No, no he\u2019s\u2026 Des, believe you me, he is stupid.<\/p>\n

Des: No, that’s a bit strong<\/p>\n

Tommy: Honest. No, it’s not strong. It’s\u2026 Alright, I’ll prove it to you<\/p>\n

Bobby: Hang on, not in front of my lady. Melody.<\/p>\n

Mel: Melanie.<\/p>\n

Bobby: That’s what I said. Melody.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Listen, let me prove this<\/p>\n

Bobby: Me and you, me and you. Cleethorpes caravan, static with our own step.<\/p>\n

Tommy: You can sit on the step on a sunny morning with a bacon buttie and a pot of tea.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Are you going to watch in turn?<\/p>\n

Tommy: You see, you don\u2019t understand\u2026<\/p>\n

Bobby: They do that don’t they though? In caravans they sit on the step with their legs open.<\/p>\n

Tommy: They do don\u2019t they. They haven\u2019t had a shower or a \u00a0washing or nothing.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I can see you there, sat with your legs up. \u201cAre you going dancing tonight? Come on then\u201d<\/p>\n

Tommy: Oh, don\u2019t now. Stop it.<\/p>\n

Des: Oh what were we talking about? I\u2019ve forgotten<\/p>\n

Bobby: He said I were thick.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Oh, I know<\/p>\n

Bobby: I\u2019m very clever with money. I could look after us, alright?<\/p>\n

Mel: Could you<\/p>\n

Bobby: (Pointing at Des) If you get rid of him, I’m in. Listen, get rid of Desmond, I’m in.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Listen, don\u2019t. Don’t be doing it. Don’t be\u2026<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve got deep pockets for the right woman.<\/p>\n

Tommy: I’ve heard that. Listen. Forty years I’ve been with this fella, right. And I’m telling you, he can’t manage nothing.<\/p>\n

Mel: Yeah, yeah. You deserve a medal.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I can, ladies and gentlemen.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Alright, alright, listen to that. I’ll prove this. No, no. I’ll prove it. Front of your lovely lady here, I’ll prove it. He wants to get rid of your husband by the way. Let me prove this, OK. Let me prove it, OK. If I give you \u00a35 and \u00a35 pounds, how much would you have?<\/p>\n

Bobby: 15 quid\u2026 (To audience) Hold it, lady.
\n<\/p>\n

Tommy: Think about this.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Be quiet lady or I’ll kick your teeth in from here.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Put your teeth back, Madam. He’s only joking. Now look, \u00a35 and \u00a35.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Oh, she’s passed them, she’s passed them to her husband.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Oh will you let me get\u2026 Listen. \u00a35 and \u00a35. How much would you have?<\/p>\n

Bobby: \u00a315, Tommy. I’m sick of telling you this.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Alright, alright, we need to change it, we need to change it. Well then if I give you four chickens and four chickens how many chickens would you have?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Eight<\/p>\n

Tommy: Correct. So if I give you \u00a35 and \u00a35, how much would you have<\/p>\n

Bobby: 15 quid<\/p>\n

Tommy: How can you have 15 pound. I’ve only give you 2 fivers.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve got a fiver my back pocket.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Oh shut up, man. I’m not doing any more. No, don’t clap. I’m not doing it. I\u2019m not doing it. I’m not doing it.<\/p>\n

Bobby: He pulled my bust off then.<\/p>\n

Des: We’re very briefly going to watch this, we’ve got a clip here. Apparently you two, now I know you made a movie, the blue thing<\/p>\n

Tommy: The Boys in Blue, aye<\/p>\n

Bobby: The blue thing\u2026 See, we did the blue thing and choking the chicken.<\/p>\n

Tommy: You’re out of order, Des<\/p>\n

Des: The boys in blue, it was. Right, right now this is you, you two<\/p>\n

Mel: Last of the Summer Wine, you appeared in that. You’re in it? Let’s have a look at it shall we?<\/p>\n

Tommy: Cameo<\/p>\n

Mel: What characters do you play?<\/p>\n

Bobby: I played. I played\u2026<\/p>\n

(Clip from Last of the Summer Wine)<\/p>\n

Des: Good luck with that. Tommy, I\u2019ve gotta ask you something because we’re running out of time here, but I think comedy is an aphrodisiac to many feel an aphrodisiac to many females…<\/p>\n

Bobby: A what?<\/p>\n

Des: An aphrodisiac, a turn-on<\/p>\n

Tommy: A turn-on, right<\/p>\n

Mel: What is wrong with you guys at the moment?<\/p>\n

Des: Do you get many women chasing you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Me. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll tell you\u2026 No, ladies and gentlemen, I get sick of it. I’ve been out with loads. Sorry, Melody, I’ve got to say this.<\/p>\n

Mel: Melanie<\/p>\n

Bobby: That’s what I said. Melody, I’ve been sick of women chatting me<\/p>\n

Tommy: Bobby, don’t lie. You don’t go out with women at all.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve been out with loads of chicks.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Yeah. Oh, yeah. How many have you been out with then? One?<\/p>\n

Bobby: One?
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

Des: He\u2019s been out with this one<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve been out with loads, I’ve been out with more than one.<\/p>\n

Tommy: How many have you been out with then? Three?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Not as many as three. I’m not a slapper<\/p>\n

Tommy: Course you’re a slapper. That’s why you don’t ever go out with women.<\/p>\n

Bobby: But, I’m gotta tell you this, Des, before we go on, I need to tell you this, ladies and gentlemen<\/p>\n

Des: I’ve got 30 seconds for you to tell us.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Can\u2019t do it<\/p>\n

Bobby: You can do it, Tom. Years and years ago ladies and gentlemen. You see him. Now Des is a little bit vain. I’m not being funny because you\u2019re like me with a tan. But him? There were nobody more vain than Tommy. In the 80s, tell them when you bought yourself a wig.<\/p>\n

Des: We haven’t got time. I want you back. He’s winding me up. Will you come back and tell us next time?<\/p>\n

Tommy: We’ll come back and tell you<\/p>\n

Des: Cannon and Ball<\/p>\n

Bobby: Thank you<\/p>\n

Tommy: Thank you<\/p>\n

Mel: Thank you so much.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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