{"id":6039,"date":"2023-09-24T21:10:32","date_gmt":"2023-09-24T20:10:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/comedykings.co.uk\/?page_id=6039"},"modified":"2023-09-25T20:50:16","modified_gmt":"2023-09-25T19:50:16","slug":"des-oconnor-tonight","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/comedykings.co.uk\/index.php\/des-oconnor-tonight\/","title":{"rendered":"Des O’Connor Tonight"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Aired Wednesday 1st November 1989<\/p>\n

Rather than a standard chat show appearance, this was a sketch with Des O’Connor. Des was only interested in speaking to, and singing with, Tommy. Meanwhile Bobby wanted to talk about his new Juniper Jungle books<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\n

\"Des \"\"<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

While this transcript is relatively close to the sketch, the three often interrupted or talked over one another.<\/p>\n

(Bobby and Tommy enter together to the instrumental of \u2018Together We\u2019ll Be OK, shake Des\u2019s hand and sit down)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: (To Tommy) I\u2019m so pleased to see you. Tommy<\/p>\n

Bobby: (To Des) I\u2019m pleased to see you<\/p>\n

Des: (Ignoring Bobby) It’s really good to have you. I like the way you hold the act together.<\/p>\n

Tommy: I know, I always have done, always have done.<\/p>\n

Des:\u00a0 Let me ask \u00a0you something. I mean, there are not many double acts around these days. And you know, suddenly you’re there. You’re wearing the crown. When did you two guys meet?<\/p>\n

Tommy: Ohh 25 years ago (To Bobby: I’m talking) 25 years ago now, 25 years ago next year we met in a welding shop.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(Bobby takes a small camera from his pocket and aims it at Des, moving around to different angles)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: You were two ordinary guys<\/p>\n

Tommy: Waiting to clock and he came and said hello.<\/p>\n

Des: You didn’t know that he was..<\/p>\n

Bobby: He\u2019s my hero, you know. He\u2019s my hero.<\/p>\n

Tommy: We\u2019re talking!<\/p>\n

Des: We\u2019re talking about careers.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Sorry Des.<\/p>\n

Des (to Tommy): You didn’t know him and he didn’t know you. Suddenly, suddenly, there you are.<\/p>\n

\"\"(Bobby continues taking photos, moving Des\u2019s head to the right place)<\/em><\/p>\n

Tommy: Yeah.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I just want to get the nose in.<\/p>\n

Des: You\u2019ll need a bigger lens. (To Tommy) I just, I wanna talk to you about what interests you two. How you got the name Cannon and Ball and your interests, which are racing\u2026<\/p>\n

Tommy: Yeah, love, love racing<\/p>\n

Bobby: I write books myself.<\/p>\n

Des: (Ignoring what Bobby said) The racing is something which came new to you. It’s because you’re a golf fan.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Tommy: A golf fanatic, yes<\/p>\n

Bobby: I write children’s books.<\/p>\n

Des: (Ignoring Bobby again) See, if we can discuss racing, I’ll have no problems at all \u2026<\/p>\n

(Bobby picks up a copy of Juniper Jungle, Bob takes it from him and puts it back on the table)<\/p>\n

Des: \u2026because I find that racing is a sport of kings. It’s a sport\u2026<\/p>\n

(Bobby picks up book again)<\/em><\/p>\n

Bobby: I wrote this book, it took me a week to write this one.<\/p>\n

(Des takes book from him and replace it on the table)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: You were very lucky to have, to have a horse<\/p>\n

Bobby: Will you sign it, Des?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(Des throws the book over the back of the sofa, Bobby starts climbing to get it)<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Des: This horse ran how many times?<\/p>\n

Tommy: It ran four times and won four times. Straight, four runs.<\/p>\n

(Bobby passes Des the book to sign, Des starts signing it and passes it back)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: And you, you, you, you actually what? You bought it yourself or did a trainer buy it.<\/p>\n

Tommy: A trainer bought it for me. You know, the usual thing and yeah.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(Bobby opens the book, looks at the signature and pulls a face)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: I believe that racing is a sport that everyone should do.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Yeah. Yeah, I think you’re quite right.<\/p>\n

Des: And good luck with your gee-gees.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Thanks a lot.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I’ve been writing these books, Juniper Jungle.<\/p>\n

(Des takes book and places back on table)<\/em><\/p>\n

Tommy: I’ve gotta say, the reason that I’m here on the show is because I’d like to sing a song with you.<\/p>\n

Bobby: But I’d like to talk about these books that I’ve written, Juniper Jungle books, the children’s books that I’ve written.<\/p>\n

Des: Tommy. Really nice to meet a guy that understands good music, because there’s so much rubbish in the chart and you and I sing the right song\u2026<\/p>\n

Bobby: And I’ve got bedding. I’m had \u2018em done on bedding and everything.<\/p>\n

(Des tries to lean in to speak to Tommy, but Bobby joins in too)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: What kind of song would you\u2026<\/p>\n

Tommy: Don’t keep talking about your bedding, will you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Sorry.<\/p>\n

Des: What kind of song? Are you serious about this\u2026<\/p>\n

Tommy: I’m deadly serious because just you and I. That’s the reason I’m here\u2026.<\/p>\n

Bobby: What are we singing?<\/p>\n

Tommy: (To Des) \u2026to sing the song with you.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Why don’t we sing Juniper Jungle. It\u2019s the title of my new books.<\/p>\n

(Des throws books away)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: You’re not talking about that nonsense, you\u2019re here to discuss sensible things. Can we get into this song?<\/p>\n

Tommy: Let\u2019s get into the song. I\u2019ll tell you what, you and I, we\u2019ll sing the song, OK.<\/p>\n

Des: Wonderful, wonderful. (To Bobby) You just stay there.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(Des and Tommy are standing, Bobby left on the sofa, to large \u2018awwww\u2019 from the audience)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: I’ve got a microphone<\/p>\n

Tommy: You\u2019ve got a microphone?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Well, I just want to say if you don’t mind me saying. You said if I can come on, I can mention my children’s books.<\/p>\n

Des: Shush<\/p>\n

Bobby: But I wanna say this. I came on here. And to me Des, it’s been the highlight of my career to come on here. You’ve always been a, you\u2019re a leg end to me, Des.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Legend, not a leg end. I’m sorry, Des.<\/p>\n

Bobby: No, no but. No, because I just feel like.<\/p>\n

Des: You say what you’ve got to say and then get off.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Thank you.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I\u2019ve come on here to mention my children’s books\u2026<\/p>\n

Des: We’re gonna sing a song. That’s what we’re gonna do.<\/p>\n

Tommy: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Yes but they can read it\u2026<\/p>\n

Des: Never mind about that. We’re gonna sing a song. We’re gonna do it now. Do you wanna, if you wanna do something useful get in the audience and cheer.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Ladies and gentlemen. (To Des) You know, I\u2019ve got all your record.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Now that\u2019s not very nice. That is not very nice.<\/p>\n

Des: But it’s sincere.<\/p>\n

Bobby: You two sing, I\u2019ll accompany you then.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Sorry? No, no, no, no, no. Des. No, no, no, no, no, no. What do you mean you\u2019ll accompany us?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Piano, I\u2019ll play the piano.<\/p>\n

Tommy: Oh I see, so you can play the pianoforte can you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Of course I can\u2019t, don\u2019t be stupid, I can only play one, I\u2019m not a piggin octopus. \u00a0<\/p>\n

Des: Wait a minute. We’re just doing a song. So, look, if you wanna play the piano, alright, but you’ll have to convince Colin. Cause he’s my piano player. Walk this way.<\/p>\n

(All walk to piano)<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Bobby: (Nudging Colin) Come on, come on, come on. Look at him. He’s like Desperate Dan with a perm.<\/p>\n

Des: Please, Colin<\/p>\n

Bobby: Bog off! Bog off!<\/p>\n

Colin: (to Bobby) Who does your hair?<\/p>\n

Des: Who does his hair? Black and Decker. Sorry about this. Don’t worry. As long as you can do the song\u2026 Now we\u2019re gonna do the song.<\/p>\n

Tommy: We’re going to do the song.<\/p>\n

Des: But can he play?<\/p>\n

Tommy: I don’t think he can but let\u2019s try.<\/p>\n

(Bobby sits down theatrically and plays the piano, then stands up and takes a bow)<\/em><\/p>\n

Des: We are going to sing \u2018Help me make it through the night.\u2019<\/p>\n

(Des leans in and kisses Bobby\u2019s nose)<\/em><\/p>\n

Bobby: I\u2019m not like that now Des\u2026. I used to be but I\u2019m alright now\u2026 A beautiful song, ladies and gentlemen, written by Paganini in the late 18th<\/sup> Century.<\/p>\n

Tommy: That says Page 9 not Paganini.<\/p>\n

Bobby: Page 9. Page 9. Ha ha ha ha ha. Paganini. Sorry about that. (To Des) Remember that record, Dick-a-Dum-Dum.<\/p>\n

Des: You played that on your honeymoon, didn\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Bobby: Oh yes.<\/p>\n

Des: Anyway never mind about that<\/p>\n

Bobby: We played that on our honeymoon\u2026<\/p>\n

Des: Never mind about that\u2026 we\u2019re going to sing\u2026<\/p>\n

Bobby: There were plenty of dum dum but not<\/p>\n

Des: Never mind<\/p>\n

Tommy: Help me make it through the night. Here we go. (sings) Take the ribbon from your hair\u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(Bobby plays wrong notes, Tommy grabs him)<\/em><\/p>\n

Tommy: What are you doing?<\/p>\n

Bobby: You\u2019ve got me bust<\/p>\n

Tommy: Never mind your bust.<\/p>\n

Bobby: I think you\u2019ve pulled my nipple off.<\/p>\n

Tommy: I\u2019ll put it on the end of your nose in a minute<\/p>\n

Bobby: Can I borrow one of yours, Des?<\/p>\n

Des: Can you please just get him to play, we’re running late.<\/p>\n

Tommy: I’m sorry, we\u2019ll do this. (To Bobby) Get on with it or he\u2019ll never invite us back again.<\/p>\n

Bobby: (To Colin) And you keep quiet!… He\u2019s always butting in<\/p>\n

Des: Right, here we go<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: Take the ribbon from your hair\u2026 Shake it loose and let it fall\u2026<\/p>\n

(Bobby flings himself around theatrically)<\/em><\/p>\n

Bobby: Paganini!<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: Lay it soft upon my skin\u2026<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

(Bobby leans out too far and falls off the piano stool).<\/em><\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: Like the shadows on the wall\u2026 Come and lay down by my side\u2026<\/p>\n

Colin: Come and lay down by\u2026 (Bobby punches him)<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: ‘Til the early mornin’ light…<\/p>\n

Des: That\u2019s the end of my piano player<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: All I’m askin’ is your time\u2026<\/p>\n

Des: Do you have to do this every night?<\/p>\n

Tommy: Every night, every night.<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: Help me make it through the night\u2026 I don’t care who’s right or wrong\u2026
And I won’t try to understand\u2026 Let the devil take tomorrow\u2026 Lord tonight I need a friend\u2026<\/p>\n

(Bobby messes up the playing, Tommy swings for him and misses)<\/em><\/p>\n

Bobby: I was lucky then Des, I was lucky then<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: Yesterday is dead and gone\u2026 And tomorrow’s out of sight\u2026 And it’s sad here on your own, Help me\u2026<\/p>\n

(Bobby messes about, Tommy closes piano lid, Bobby opens it and traps Tommy\u2019s fingers)<\/em><\/p>\n

Bobby: Sorry Tommy, it\u2019s this piano lid, it fell up on its own. Sorry, sorry, my cock-up.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Tommy and Des: Help me make it through the night<\/p>\n

(Bobby walks to front of stage)<\/em><\/p>\n

Bobby: Thank you, thank you.<\/p>\n

(Tommy grabs Bobby and pulls him away)<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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