Series 23 episode 9 – Christmas special, aired 23rd December 2001
Cannon and Ball open the show with a sketch, where Bobby introduces show host Lea Kristensen as his new double-act partner. The transcribed text of the sketch is below
Later on they demonstrate one of the activities for the contestants – catching and wrapping plates that slide down a chute.
Sketch
Tommy: Thank you, thank you
Bobby: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Once again, I thank you. Thank you.
Tommy: Be quiet
Bobby: Sorry. Thank you
Tommy: Ladies and gentlemen.
Bobby: Thank you.
Tommy: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Bobby: Yes, thank you.
Tommy: And how generous of our dear friend, Jim, to allow us to open the…
Bobby: (interrupting) Tommy,
Tommy: What
Bobby: I want to say something with my mouth if it’s all right.
Tommy: Make it quick, what is it
Bobby: One of us has got to go.
Tommy: Who’s that
Bobby: You.
Tommy: Me? You can’t manage without me. I’m the wind beneath your wings.
Bobby: Do me a favour, Tommy. You’ve give me wind for the last 25 years you have. I’ve got a new partner.
Tommy: A new partner?
Bobby: Oh aye.
Tommy: Who is it?
Bobby: That big blonde bird that works on this show. I’m telling you, Tommy, Lispy Crispyskin. Have you seen her? She’s got her own bull-worker.
Tommy: Ohh shut up. It’s Lea Christensen, you idiot.
Bobby: That’s what I said. Have you seen her? Oh man.
Tommy: I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this. You’re starting a new double act with her.
Bobby: It’s a career move, Tommy. She needs a bit of help.
Tommy: I’ll tell you what, this is stupid. This is stupid. I’m going to see Jim about this. And another thing. What am I gonna do now?
Bobby: You’ve got your pension, haven’t you? I’m just trying to think what I can call me and this bird when we’re working together.
Tommy: Beauty and the beast. Jim. Jim… (leaves)
Bobby: Well, it’s been very nice, Tommy, while it lasted. It’s been good fun. Now, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. You’ve always wanted to see me on my own. Well I’m here. Well ladies and gentlemen, before that a song, but I would like to introduce you to my new partner Leo Crispyskin.
(Lea Christensen enters)
Bobby: I’m excited.
Lea: Hello
Bobby: That’s a nice frock, that.
Lea: Oh thank you. I would just like to say that…
Bobby: Don’t say nothing, don’t say nothing before you start. I’ll do the talking because I’m very good at it. Now, did you get that little letter I left under your door?
Lea: Yes, I’ve got it here.
Bobby: Yeah, well, read it then. Can you read in English?
Lea: Oh yes, don’t you worry about that.
Bobby: You’re very nice
Lea: Dear Miss Crispyskin. I were right chuffed when you gave me a big smile in the tea bar and bought me a walnut whip. How’s about us doing a double act? Yours truly, B. Ball.
Bobby: So how’s about it then? Because I know you can sing. You sing, better than that Kylie Minogue, and I’ve heard you play spoons. Can you play Banjo?
Lea: Well, I sort of…
(Jim and Tommy enter)
Jim: Excuse me
Bobby: Why, what have you done cock?
Jim: I’ve done nothing yet. Have you anything to say to the star of the show?
Bobby: Yes. You are the weakest link. Goodbye. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jim: (Grabbing Bobby) What are you doing?
Bobby: Tommy usually does that.
Jim: Go on, you do it.
Tommy: (Grabbing Bobby) What are you doing? What are you doing?
Bobby: Tommy, you’re squashing my nipple.
Tommy: Never mind your nipple.
Lea: Excuse me, handsome.
All three men: Yes.
Bobby: Is there something you wanted, Leo, for me.
Lea: I wasn’t talking to you. I was referring to a younger brother.
Bobby: Brother? Rock on, Tommy. He’s no relation.
Lea: Really. That’s probably why he’s so handsome.
Bobby: Did you hear what this big blonde bird said? Eh, you tell her Jim, you’ve got the gob for it.
Jim: Yeah. OK. Listen, Leo.
Lea: Lea.
Jim: Lea. Yes. Can we get on with the show and play some games?
Tommy: Yes, oh yes. Cause I love games.
Lea: Do you? Ohh, follow me. I’ve got a dart board.
Tommy: Oh, fantastic. I’ve got bullseye here. (Tommy and Lea leave)
Jim: Just a minute, just a minute. Who’s gonna introduce the contestants?
Lea: Let the little chap do it.
Bobby: The little chap? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Well I’ll tell you this, it’s better than being a piggin’ giant, you blonde bird.
Jim: Well, you’ve done it now, you’ve only gone and done it, haven’t you?
Bobby: Yeah. Yes, I have, Jim, I have.
Jim: You’ve always done it, haven’t you? Always put your foot in it? Bobby you always mess things up, you’ve messed it up as usual, ain’t you?
Bobby: Tommy usually says that. I miss him already, you know.
Jim: He’s been like a father to you, hasn’t he?
Bobby: He is my father.
Jim: Bobby, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Bobby: I am ashamed. I could kick myself for this.
Jim: Well, I’m stuck with you now. We’ll have to introduce the contestants.
Bobby: Who, me? I can’t.
Jim: You can do it.
Bobby: I’m not funny really. It’s Tommy who made me funny. You don’t understand. I’m lost without him.
Jim: Look, it’s in you somewhere. You can, mate. You can.
Bobby: Couple, get out here.
Jim: These are not showbusiness people
Bobby: No, they’re not showbusiness people. They’re proper people. Not showbusiness people, lah-de-da’s. You’re proper people. Earth people. You know me of course
Contestants: No
Bobby: I hate the general public, they get on my piggin’ nerves. Tommy, Tommy, nobody knows me.
(Tommy re-enters)
Tommy: Oh be quiet, be quiet. I know you don’t I? You’re my partner aren’t you? Well don’t ever do it again without me.
