Shown on Christmas Day, 1983.
Cannon and Ball appeared as guests, showing their favourite sketch from their TV series.
Also on the show were Bruce Forsyth, Mike Yarwood, Max Bygraves, Shakin’ Stevens, Bonnie Tyler, Michael Barrymore, Jeremy Beadle, Henry Kelly, Matthew Kelly, Sarah Kennedy, Andy Williams, The Temptations, Stefanie Powers, Robert Wagner and Freeway.
Jimmy: You know this marvellous world of show business that I’m in, and it’s a business being terribly kind to me. It’s like a fairy tale, and it’s the only business really you can have a fairy tale come true, unless of course you win the pools. Well, these two guys, they’ve won the pools as far as showbiz is concerned. They’ve absolutely knocked for bonkers every box office record throughout the country. It’s my pleasure to introduce two great comedians, Cannon and Ball.
(Tommy and Bobby enter)
Jimmy: How are you lads?
Tommy: Alright Jim, you?
Jimmy: It’s very kind of you to take a day off, or on your day off from Manchester in another record-breaking show to come and see us. Thanks ever so much. Having a nice Christmas?
Bobby:. Terrific, terrific Jim.
Tommy: Terrific, Yeah, Jim, back at the Apollo.
Jimmy: You must be really tired of receiving awards this year. You’ve had every accolade in the business, haven’t you fellas?
Bobby: Tommy has, yeah.
Tommy: I have, yeah. Well, I shared them with him. I shared them with him, Jim.
(Bobby leans over and kisses Tommy)
Tommy: Get off, get off.
Jimmy: You’re television personalities of the year and you, of course, you nearly got the Laurel and Hardy award, didn’t you, Tom.
Tommy: Shut up, shut up, I didn’t.
Bobby: What was it? What was it, Jim? I don’t know about it, Jim. What was it?
Jimmy: Well, I happened to ring your partner up and put an assumed voice on and go ‘I’d just like you to know. Mr Cannon, you’ve won the Laurel and… “Oh, I’m thrilled” he said, “I’m thrilled.” I’ve never seen such wonderful comedic feeding to another comedian. ”Oh, thank you, Sir.. Thank you, Sir.”’
Bobby: Ohh, you never told me.
(Tommy grabs Bobby)
Tommy: Don’t tell him, don’t tell him.
Jimmy: You’ll be thrilled. I said, the Laurel and Hardy Appreciation Society have awarded you this, I said. Where will you put this award? He said, “Sir, it’ll be in my snooker room. Pride of place”
Bobby: He hasn’t got one!
Jimmy: I said there’s another award goes with it. He said What’s that? I said the Jimmy Tarbuck got you by the… he went you… But anyway, I want to give you a tip, lads over Christmas now in Manchester because you know they’re being very hot on breathalysers. No, I know you like a little bit of the sauce occasionally on, on little festive occasions, so watch out because this is the latest the law have on them. It’s the Dolly Parton breathalyser.
(Jimmy blows up inflatable breasts)
Jimmy: Course I hope that hasn’t shocked you, a quiet living boy like you.
Tommy: No, no, he’s not, no.
Jimmy: Got to be careful, you know.
Bobby: (To Tommy) They’re a bit like yours, them.
Jimmy: It’s not common knowledge now with the boys. They keep their private lives, but they are in fact two defrocked priests.
Bobby: Don’t start thinking that. Don’t start thinking I’m a poofter cause I’m not. (Gesturing to Tommy) My husband is, but I’m not.
Jimmy: Might help them out when they’re busy… Well, I know you’ve come down and you’ve done 5 marvellous television series here at London Weekend and when the word got around that you were on the show, I know you get lots of requests for favourite pieces of material. And perhaps you’d like to announce what you’d like to show us tonight, that particularly you enjoy, what you’ve done out of your five shows.
Tommy: Our favourite, what many people ask us for, actually Jim, and it was the puppet sketch. Puppeteer, right.
Jimmy: One of my favourites.
Tommy: Good.
(Sketch plays)
Jimmy: Absolute bit of television magic that, lads, I hope you have, as I said, you and your families have a lovely Christmas, another prosperous 84. I know you will have.
Bobby: Thanks very much.
Tommy: We’d just like to say Merry Christmas, everybody.
Bobby: Merry Christmas.
Jimmy: Cannon and Ball.
At the end of the show all the guests joined together for a sing-song – a medley of songs including Singin’ the Blues, The Story of My Life, You Always Hurt the One You Love and others.
