The Big Stage

The Big Stage title

The duo performed a sketch in the first series of this Channel 5 variety show, broadcast 18th August 1999. 

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Bradley Walsh: Appearing in Blackpool on summer season, they’re here for you tonight. Two great lads. Please welcome to the Big Stage stage, the one and only it’s Cannon and Ball.

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Tommy: Ladies and Gentlemen, he spoils a little bit for me tonight because… shut up, Madam.

Bobby: She can laugh if she wants.

Tommy: Why?

Bobby: It’s my mother

Tommy: Now, let me explain something to you because, I only wanted to come out here tonight. But you spoiled it for me because I wanted to tell you about this dream I had.

Bobby: A dream

Tommy: Yeah. I had a dream. This dream was all about golf.

Bobby: Golf.

Tommy: Yeah.

Bobby: Golf.

Tommy: Golf, yeah,

Bobby: I’d have piggin woke myself up, wouldn’t you? Golf!

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Tommy: Imagine it now. OK, I’m on the first tee. Alright. It’s me and Nick Faldo. I’m a bit nervous cause Nick’s watching me.

Bobby: Is this your dream?

Tommy: This is my dream. OK, OK, OK. Here we go. Me. My first shot here.

Bobby: Alright, got it.

Tommy: OK. Oh, look at that. Look at it. 350 yards down the middle.

Bobby: How far?

Tommy: 350 yards down the middle

Bobby: It is a piggin’ dream.

Tommy: OK, it’s Nick Faldo’s turn. He’s a big hitter, this fella.

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Bobby: I’ve heard that. Madam, shut your mouth because the ball…

Tommy: Leave the lady alone. Right here we go now. Nick Faldo to go. Here we go. Oh man, look at that. What a shot down the middle. Fantastic. 200 yards.

Bobby: Is it?

Tommy: Nick Faldo. Hey, you’re spoiling my dream here.

Bobby: Sorry.

Tommy: Right. Nick to go, he’s the back marker.

Bobby: FORE

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Tommy: What are you shouting fore for? There’s nobody in the way.

Bobby: What the piggin’ hell are all them?

Tommy:  It’s only a dream, you stupid idiot.

Bobby: Sorry.

Tommy: Nick to go. Here we go. What’s the matter? Are you dressed on the wrong side

Bobby: I am now

Tommy: Right. Oh look at it. He’s made it. He’s on the green. Fantastic shot. OK, he’s put me under a bit of pressure here, but I’m gonna go in now. Here we go. My shot, second, here we go. Oh, I’ve made it. I’ve got inside him.

Bobby: Pardon? What a fantastic game.

Tommy: You like it more and more, don’t you? Here we go now. OK. It’s Nick to putt first because he’s the back marker. Here we go.

Bobby: Hang on.

Tommy: What are you doing?

Bobby: Pulling the flag out.

Tommy: OK, here we go. Nick to putt.

Bobby: Oh it’s in

Tommy: Oh he’s missed! It went round the cup and went away. We can go for the game. I could win. This game here now. Don’t move! Don’t move! Don’t move! Here we go. I’m in. I have beat Nick. Faldo, the world’s greatest golfer. I’ve beat him. What a fantastic dream.

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Bobby: What a fabulous dream, Tommy.

Tommy: Ohh, man

Bobby: That was fantastic.

Tommy: I know that

Bobby: Now I can’t believe you’ve had a dream like that. And that was absolutely wonderful.

Tommy: I know that. Thank you.

Bobby: Nearly as good as mine.

Tommy: You had a dream?

Bobby: Yeah. But I had a proper one.

Tommy: Ohh yeah. Tell me about it.

Bobby: You’ll not believe this. I was in the Wagon and Horses in Oldham… Shut it, lady. I’m telling you, I can reach you from here….  

Tommy: Go on

Bobby: And I was stood there on my own in the Wagon and Horses. And suddenly the doors open. Do you know who walked in?

Tommy: No, who.

Bobby: Dolly and Cindy.

Tommy: Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Dolly and Cindy who?

Bobby: Dolly Parton, Cindy Crawford.

Tommy: You’re joking?

Bobby: In Oldham.

Tommy: No

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Bobby: I’m telling you. Anyway, I just relaxed a bit. I thought, no, I’m not gonna jump in here. I’m not gonna recognise ‘em. You know how you do. I’m stood there in the pub. Dolly’s in, Cindy. I thought I’ll cock a deaf’en here. So, anyway, so suddenly, yeah, Dolly turned.

Tommy: Did you duck?

Bobby: Yeah, but she got me n way back. So Dolly said to me. Hi, Barbie.

Tommy: What? What were that, a Lancashire accent that?

Bobby: American

Tommy: American, right.

Bobby: Hi, Bobby. Is there a party going on. A party? I said. Yeah. I was saying that to get her back to my place. Suddenly Cindy, who’s a nosy pig, turned around and said can I come too?

Tommy: Yeah

Bobby: I said no probs. So we had a couple. I got her back to my place. Couple of glasses of wine. And you’ll not believe this, Tommy, I ended up on my own in my flat with Dolly Parton and Cindy Crawford.

Tommy: Wait a minute. Why didn’t you give me a call?

Bobby: I did. You were out playing golf with Nick Faldo.

Tommy: Awww, forget it. Say goodnight.

Bobby: Goodnight everybody,

Tommy: Goodnight, bye bye

Bradley: Absolutely fantastic. Thank you very much folks. Hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as we have here on behalf of all of us here at the big stage, to all of you guys and to all you guys here. Goodnight. God bless. See you soon. Bye bye.

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