Today with Des and Mel

Aired 16th February 2005, ITV1. Cannon and Ball were guests on the show.


Des: Now last time they were on the show, our next guests, well, I don’t think that we got to ask a question did we?

Mel: I don’t think we did

Des: Two things we said. We’ll ask them this, and maybe ask them this, because you know, it’s not all that strict, right? All we can remember is there was a lot of fun and madness going on. We’re delighted to see them back on TV. Please welcome Tommy and Bobby, Cannon and Ball

(Welcomes and greetings – Bobby chases Mel)

Tommy: Calm, calm yourself. Bob, Bob, Bob… Sorry Des… Calm down, calm down. Get over here and sit down. Calm yourself.

Des: You’re fond of this lady, aren’t you?

Bobby: I can’t tell you.

Tommy: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What’s that smell? What’s that smell?

Bobby: (Raising arms) It’s me. I’m nervous because…

Mel: Oh save me

Bobby: I’m not being funny, Desmond, but Melody.

Mel: No, no, it’s Melanie.

Bobby: That’s what I said. Melody, you’re absolutely beautiful, you know that.

Mel: Thank you. Thank you. Please don’t do this.

Bobby: No, I’m serious. And the more I see you. I just hear violins all the time. And when I watch on television, without him (gestures at Des). And it’s a close-up of you. The television just, it goes into slow motion.

Tommy: That’s cause his telly’s broke.

Bobby: Shut it, Thomas, shut it. Can I say this before you do. I’m serious about this. (To Des) You do have a look of Cary Grant.

Mel: He does.

Tommy: What do you mean, Cary Grant’s dead.

Bobby: I know… Sorry Des, no, sorry Des, sorry. (To the audience) Who’s got a better tan? Me or Des?

Des: Where’ve you been? Look at the colour of you.

Tommy: I know, look at him

Bobby: Look at me.

Tommy: Tell him where you’ve been, Scunthorpe.

Bobby: I haven’t been to Scunthorpe

Des: Where have you been? You been somewhere wonderful.

Bobby: I fell asleep in me greenhouse.

Tommy: He did, he did.

Des: So you like to propagate, do you?

Bobby: Pardon.

Des: You can propagate.

Bobby: Not as much as you, Des. By the way, Des, any more babies on the scene.

Des: Well, I’m into belly dancing at the moment

Bobby: I’ve heard that. Anyway…

Tommy: Anyway, what’s this, come on

Bobby: This, well actually, this is very important to me because I’ve got a Valentine sent me…

Tommy: Have you?

Bobby: …and I know who it’s from. Don’t I, Melanie

Tommy: Would you like to read it?

Mel: What are you looking at me for?

Bobby: You know. She knows, Des.

Tommy: (As Bobby puts glasses on) Oh he’s getting sophisticated now.

Bobby: Shut. Shut it. Tommy, this means something

Tommy: Sorry, mate. Sorry.

Bobby: I’ve had this sent me. And thank you.

Mel: It wasn’t me.

Bobby: Melody, the press won’t find out

Des: Enjoy the moment. It’s a magic moment.

Bobby: To me, you’re not a piece of heaven that fell and landed on the ground. To me you’re not a Gucci handbag that’s been left in the lost and found. (crying) I won’t be a minute. To me, you’re not a day at the funfair, or a ride down the helter skelter. You’ll always be the one and only, Bobby, my little belter.

Des: So that was sent to you.

Bobby: From a secret admirer who has just had a baby.

Tommy: Des, I can’t believe it. You sent him a Valentine, you sent him a Valentine.

Des: We’ll be back after the break with more from Cannon and Ball. Do not go anywhere.

Bobby: Was it you?

Tommy: It were you.


Des: You should have been here during the break.

Mel: We’re talking here with Cannon and Ball, and you know early on in the show we showed this picture, this guy thinks he looks like you and I just wanted to know if you’d have a look and let me know.

Des: I wanna see what they think first. What do you think? (To Bobby) Look this way. Look this way.

Tommy: Yeah. Yeah

Des: (To Bobby) Do you want to see it? They haven’t seen it have they.

Bobby: You’re having a laugh aren’t you. I’m better looking than that, Tommy. Come on.

Tommy: No, no, it’s a good likeness that.

Bobby: I’m not having that look

Tommy: Teeth are a bit not right but

Bobby: You know who that looks like? Des when he’s had a bad night.

Des: So you’ve been in Panto?

Tommy: Yeah, in panto

Bobby: Yeah, panto and everything. How’re you going on choking your chicken?

(Des gets chicken out)

Tommy: Go on, give it one more choke. Go on.

Bobby: Des, can I choke the chicken…. It’s done

Des: It doesn’t choke easily this one.

Bobby: I’ve heard that

o, no, no, forget it.

Mel: Are you two always this daft, honestly? 24/7?

Tommy: Yes. No, not really.

Bobby: No, no. And I’ll tell you what. As you get older, I’ve just head butted that chicken. I’ve really hurt my head.

Mel: I can see that, it’s gone all red.

Des: It’s gone all red, your heads gone red

Des: How are you with money? Is he good with sums and things like that?

Bobby: Me? Very clever.

Tommy: No, no he’s… Des, believe you me, he is stupid.

Des: No, that’s a bit strong

Tommy: Honest. No, it’s not strong. It’s… Alright, I’ll prove it to you

Bobby: Hang on, not in front of my lady. Melody.

Mel: Melanie.

Bobby: That’s what I said. Melody.

Tommy: Listen, let me prove this

Bobby: Me and you, me and you. Cleethorpes caravan, static with our own step.

Tommy: You can sit on the step on a sunny morning with a bacon buttie and a pot of tea.

Bobby: Are you going to watch in turn?

Tommy: You see, you don’t understand…

Bobby: They do that don’t they though? In caravans they sit on the step with their legs open.

Tommy: They do don’t they. They haven’t had a shower or a  washing or nothing.

Bobby: I can see you there, sat with your legs up. “Are you going dancing tonight? Come on then”

Tommy: Oh, don’t now. Stop it.

Des: Oh what were we talking about? I’ve forgotten

Bobby: He said I were thick.

Tommy: Oh, I know

Bobby: I’m very clever with money. I could look after us, alright?

Mel: Could you

Bobby: (Pointing at Des) If you get rid of him, I’m in. Listen, get rid of Desmond, I’m in.

Tommy: Listen, don’t. Don’t be doing it. Don’t be…

Bobby: I’ve got deep pockets for the right woman.

Tommy: I’ve heard that. Listen. Forty years I’ve been with this fella, right. And I’m telling you, he can’t manage nothing.

Mel: Yeah, yeah. You deserve a medal.

Bobby: I can, ladies and gentlemen.

Tommy: Alright, alright, listen to that. I’ll prove this. No, no. I’ll prove it. Front of your lovely lady here, I’ll prove it. He wants to get rid of your husband by the way. Let me prove this, OK. Let me prove it, OK. If I give you £5 and £5 pounds, how much would you have?

Bobby: 15 quid… (To audience) Hold it, lady.

Tommy: Think about this.

Bobby: Be quiet lady or I’ll kick your teeth in from here.

Tommy: Put your teeth back, Madam. He’s only joking. Now look, £5 and £5.

Bobby: Oh, she’s passed them, she’s passed them to her husband.

Tommy: Oh will you let me get… Listen. £5 and £5. How much would you have?

Bobby: £15, Tommy. I’m sick of telling you this.

Tommy: Alright, alright, we need to change it, we need to change it. Well then if I give you four chickens and four chickens how many chickens would you have?

Bobby: Eight

Tommy: Correct. So if I give you £5 and £5, how much would you have

Bobby: 15 quid

Tommy: How can you have 15 pound. I’ve only give you 2 fivers.

Bobby: I’ve got a fiver my back pocket.

Tommy: Oh shut up, man. I’m not doing any more. No, don’t clap. I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it.

Bobby: He pulled my bust off then.

Des: We’re very briefly going to watch this, we’ve got a clip here. Apparently you two, now I know you made a movie, the blue thing

Tommy: The Boys in Blue, aye

Bobby: The blue thing… See, we did the blue thing and choking the chicken.

Tommy: You’re out of order, Des

Des: The boys in blue, it was. Right, right now this is you, you two

Mel: Last of the Summer Wine, you appeared in that. You’re in it? Let’s have a look at it shall we?

Tommy: Cameo

Mel: What characters do you play?

Bobby: I played. I played…

(Clip from Last of the Summer Wine)

Des: Good luck with that. Tommy, I’ve gotta ask you something because we’re running out of time here, but I think comedy is an aphrodisiac to many feel an aphrodisiac to many females…

Bobby: A what?

Des: An aphrodisiac, a turn-on

Tommy: A turn-on, right

Mel: What is wrong with you guys at the moment?

Des: Do you get many women chasing you?

Bobby: Me. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll tell you… No, ladies and gentlemen, I get sick of it. I’ve been out with loads. Sorry, Melody, I’ve got to say this.

Mel: Melanie

Bobby: That’s what I said. Melody, I’ve been sick of women chatting me

Tommy: Bobby, don’t lie. You don’t go out with women at all.

Bobby: I’ve been out with loads of chicks.

Tommy: Yeah. Oh, yeah. How many have you been out with then? One?

Bobby: One?

Des: He’s been out with this one

Bobby: I’ve been out with loads, I’ve been out with more than one.

Tommy: How many have you been out with then? Three?

Bobby: Not as many as three. I’m not a slapper

Tommy: Course you’re a slapper. That’s why you don’t ever go out with women.

Bobby: But, I’m gotta tell you this, Des, before we go on, I need to tell you this, ladies and gentlemen

Des: I’ve got 30 seconds for you to tell us.

Tommy: Can’t do it

Bobby: You can do it, Tom. Years and years ago ladies and gentlemen. You see him. Now Des is a little bit vain. I’m not being funny because you’re like me with a tan. But him? There were nobody more vain than Tommy. In the 80s, tell them when you bought yourself a wig.

Des: We haven’t got time. I want you back. He’s winding me up. Will you come back and tell us next time?

Tommy: We’ll come back and tell you

Des: Cannon and Ball

Bobby: Thank you

Tommy: Thank you

Mel: Thank you so much.